I have pretty much always wanted to have my own business or my own work be what I do full time. I thought that if I just achieved that I would be somebody. I would be able to support myself comfortably, I would have recognition in the women's community, I would have the community I wanted and the new friends etc. The realization that my life was not a reflection of any of those things and that where I am is a far cry from what I wanted, was what I needed to accept. Resistance shows up as anything that you feel not at peace with. So in my case I was not at peace with my life on any level. Not only with my work or striving to have a career, but with my finances, my home situation, and even with my relationships. I needed to STOP all the seeking, running around and trying to create out there fulfillment. I needed to STOP and just face it all as it was, and accept my life the way it was. To really face the what if I never have the career I want, or the community or partner or money...what if I never achieve any of these things. Facing this is not small task as it requires a deep commitment to the TRUTH and a willingness to see what is TRUE about myself.
Unraveling the machine that was still running my life, even though I thought it wasn't. It was obvious that it was and that it was time to just stop everything. To lay all of it down at the feet of the Divine within myself and without that is life itself. That higher intelligence that is the creator/creatrix of everything. The all knowing, omnipresent and omniscient energy that you and I come from and are an expression of. For me striving for something, having an outer purpose to get up in the morning was what gave my life meaning. I was always driven by this purpose as you may be as well. And it is unfortunate that so many light workers and true spiritual seekers find themselves searching for this outer purpose first rather than focusing on their inner purpose which is to awaken to the Truth of who you are.
This unraveling of the doer and once again dropping into Being seemed to be what was the next unfoldment in my life. I have to say that although it felt like a relief it was also a bit scary to face everything that I had been running on and felt motivated by. What if I just stopped being motivated then what? Now I finally understood what Eckhart Tolle said when he shared that when he first truly awakened he sat on a park bench for 2 years and did nothing. He was just being and for the first time being was more important than doing. The discovery of who one is, to meet your True nature...to finally realize that because you exist you are enough has been for me a very monumental realization. This is not because I have not known this or even felt this at times, but it is because at this time in my life, I am ready to know it beyond a shadow of a doubt. For me, trusting my SELF in all ways, knowing that I AM enough, has been my life long soul's teaching. I exist therefore I Am, I Am therefore I exist. Nothing else is needed to fulfill or complete me. There is of course no me to complete when I recognize this as the Truth of who I am.
This unraveling of the doer and allowing myself to just be with whatever is showing up, to not feel driven to accomplish something each day or to get myself out there, is like rewiring my nervous system. I have known about the feminine way of being and have been opening to living my life more and more from that place, but have most of the time been practicing life from a more masculine energy. The feminine allows the masculine pushes and strives. The feminine supports through intention, the masculine has goals and take action to achieve them. Both are needed in the process of manifestation, but as I have learned, for women, it is crucial to learn how to turn on our feminine hormones, Oxytocin rather than to manifest through our adrenals and make it happen with Testosterone. To allow ourselves to first be, relax, move into a place of more alignment with who we are first, then to set our intentions and take inspired action from there. This has been for me a new way of manifesting, or as I like to say femafesting. It is something that has taken me time to adapt to, and as you can see I am still very new to living my life from the feminine way of being and doing. I can no longer live any other way since Being is the only way to truly accomplish anything with ease, grace and flow. There is of course a paradox in this as there always seems to be when speaking of these types of things.
You must first learn how to completely let go of being the doer in order for anything to actually get done with ease.
So as I met Myself once again, and was able to just let go again of the need to have my life be different from he way it is and to Stop everything, I found the peace I was seeking. From this place I have been able to do only what I am feeling inspired to do and yes I am still taking care of the practical things that need to be taken care of. But when I try to get motivated to work on my writing or "do" something from that old place I can't as I feel exhausted again. I am only willing to do what I feel inspired to do in each moment as much as possible. It seems that my life has had to fall apart completely in order for me to finally open up and learn how to live life from this new place of Acceptance, Being and Inspired Action.